


Practice Makes Perfect

by Slashcan (AngstandPizzaRolls)



Category: The OC
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Episode: s01e19 The Heartbreak, Friends to Lovers, Happy Ending, Jealousy, M/M, Mutual Pining, Sexuality Crisis, wink wink
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-13
Updated: 2017-05-13
Packaged: 2018-10-31 11:05:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,026
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10898043
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AngstandPizzaRolls/pseuds/Slashcan
Summary: After a spectacular failure in the sack with Summer, Seth knew he needed a tutor, someone who could teach him the ins and outs so to speak. But when Ryan agrees, things get complicated and neither are sure how to deal with their unexpected feelings.





	Practice Makes Perfect

**Author's Note:**

> This was supposed to be a pwp but then feelings happened and it got a little out of hand. Naturally.  
> Unbeta'd so all mistakes are my own, so forgive me or let me now so I can fix them.  
> I own nothing and seek no profit

Ryan was still thinking about Marissa when Seth came into the pool house. Still thinking about the way she thought they could just go back to the way it had been before she’d pushed him away and broke every bit of the fragile trust he’d given her. He had tasted the betrayal on her lips the night before when she climbed on top of him and tried to give him what she thought he wanted. He wished she thought more of him than to think what he wanted from her was sex.

That same sting of betrayal was there when he looked at Seth, even when he came through the door excitement rolling off him like tangible waves. Seth hadn’t believed him either, but at least Seth had never tried too hard to stop him, had even started to believe him a bit _before_ Oliver pulled a gun and proved to everyone that Ryan was right. 

When Sandy and Kirsten apologized, Ryan couldn’t help but think they were more guilty than embarrassed that they hadn’t believed him. They were admitting their mistake to ease their consciences. And when Marissa apologized, Ryan knew that it wasn’t because she was sorry for what she’d done, she was upset that she’d driven him away. There were plenty of speeches in the aftermath of Oliver, but only one gave him the relief he needed. Only Seth’s apology meant “I’m sorry I hurt you” instead of “I’m sorry my poor choices are causing negative effects for me”.

And Seth’s apology was better than any he’d ever heard in his life. There were no excuses, no attempt to shift some of the blame onto Ryan himself. It was just Seth, vowing to him that he would always be there. And it was better than every one of his mother’s promises to stop drinking, Trey’s promises to stay out of trouble, Marissa’s promises that she loved him and that Oliver would never come between them. It was better because it was just Seth, eyes glimmering with sincerity, and every word etched itself into Ryan’s brain because he actually meant it. So he’d forgiven him, and allowed him to come into the pool house without a hard look. 

Ryan was still thinking about Marissa and all the promises she broke. The way she’d kissed him just hours ago on this bed, trying to win him back instead of trying to make him happy. At least he was thinking about her until Seth said, “I had sex with a girl” and all of Ryan’s attention slammed back to the present and the conversation he’d only been halfheartedly participating in. 

“Summer, to be more specific.” Seth said, still pumping his fist in the air in a way that made Ryan kind of want to smile and kind of want to cringe. 

He smiled, not because Seth looked so innocent, brimming with childlike excitement, but because it was impressive that he’d gotten a girl as hot as Summer. “How was it?” 

Seth’s enthusiasm fell, and Ryan watched him struggling to hold on to his sense of triumph as he said, “I had sex.”

“That bad?” Ryan turned away to cover up the strange smugness that was creeping over him. He’d never thought he was one of those guys that liked to boast about his own sexual prowess but apparently in the privacy of his own mind, he was happy that Seth wasn’t skilled enough to enjoy sex with one of the hottest girls at school. Or maybe he was just happy that the girl Seth had been fantasizing about for years didn’t live up to his expectation. And Ryan had no explanation for that thought because he’d been sure he’d forgiven Seth. 

“No, not that bad. It was just kind of weird.” Seth didn’t seem to notice Ryan’s internal monologue, chasing him up the few stairs into the kitchenette to _make sure_ that Ryan knew he wasn’t bad at sex, just inexperienced. Ryan chalked it up to Seth’s preoccupation with appearing masculine that kept him talking for so long, making excuses until he came to the inevitable conclusion that he was bad in bed. “Not kinky weird. More like weird awkward. But, hey, it was my first time. She's a more experienced woman. That's to be expected. And I did make some faces in the middle that I wish I could take back, but I can’t. There was also sort of a whiny noise that came out towards the end that probably wasn't my finest hour…I sucked so bad.”

Ryan tried not to laugh as Seth went on, his forced nonchalance withering into desperation. “I was like a fish flopping around on dry land. Ryan, I was Nemo. And I just wanted to go home.”

“Don’t worry about it. You’ll get another chance.” He said, patting Seth on the shoulder a few times because that desperation in his eyes had become a tangled mix of fear and humiliation. He really didn’t know how to comfort someone in this situation, especially Seth when his words were pouring out faster than even his own hands could keep up with, because there was only one answer. Sex was always bad/confusing/awkward the first time. But underneath it all he was trying hard not to imagine what faces Seth would make, what sounds, when he was lost in his own pleasure. That was not a line he wanted to cross.

“That's the thing. I'm not sure I will.” Seth followed Ryan as he crossed to pull his jacket off the rack by the door. “The situation with Summer is murkier now than it was before the awful fish sex.”

“I wouldn't refer to it as fish sex ever again.”

“That’s a good point.” Seth said, eyes brightening. “That’s something I was hoping to get more of: Tips. Tricks of the trade. Summer's used to driving a higher performance vehicle.”

“Don't know if I'm the guy to talk to about romance these days.” Ryan said, mind straying back to the night before.

“Why?”

“Me and Marissa. It's different now, post-Oliver.” 

“Yeah? You wanna talk about it?” 

“No, I should get over to set up.” Ryan headed for the door. Kirsten was waiting for him at the event hall. As much as Valentine’s day and romance was the last thing he wanted to think about at the moment, he’d made a promise. 

Seth looked like he wanted to grab Ryan to keep him from leaving, but he dropped his arm to his side and asked, “Hey, so do you have tips or words of wisdom for me?”

He hesitated at the door. Seth just sounded so disappointed, in himself, in the sex he’d probably been imagining since he was twelve. He was miserable and Ryan knew he had to give him something to make the situation seem a little less grim. Because as weird as it inevitably was the first time, sex was pretty fantastic, and for some reason he couldn’t name, it seemed important to him that Seth know that. 

But what was he really asking for? A step by step guide, with diagrams and models? A performance review? A demonstration? All of those things made Ryan twitchy just thinking about. Seth sitting in a desk at the front of a classroom, with a shiny red apple on the edge, watching attentively as Ryan drew a picture of a vagina on the chalkboard. Ryan had to blink a few times to clear that image from his mind. He shrugged, and offered the best advise he could, “Do it again.”

“That's what I was afraid of.” The quiet sigh of resignation was what made him pause. Nearly out the door, with only a few fingers left on the door handle. His life was so filled up with negative emotions, had been for so long, he just wanted to get things back to the way they were. Back when he thought living here might be the best thing that’s ever happened to him. Back when Seth was all smiles and puppy-like energy, and would drool at the thought of Summer and not cast his eyes down warily.

“Practice is the only way it’s going to get better. Figure out what you’re doing.” 

Seth’s eyes shot up, wide when he realized Ryan had come back inside and shut the door behind him. “That’s the thing. The only person I have to practice with is Summer. I can’t go back to her with floppy fish sex. And even if I could and I got better, we’d still be having floppy dolphin sex.”

“Why dolphins?”

“I don’t know, man. What’s the next step up on the aquatic sex skills scale?”

Ryan ignored that. It was better that way. That was the last thing he needed, Seth to go off on some tangent about how octopus must be better at sex than sword fish, because then Ryan’d be stuck here for a good forty five minutes, and he’d have no justifiable reason to give to Kirsten when she demanded an explanation. He was already pushing it, so he said the first thing to come to mind, trying to end this conversation. “Find someone else to practice with.”

“I can’t have sex with another girl! That would kill any chance I have for a relationship with Summer before it even begins.” Seth stepped forward quickly and blocked the door, killing any chance Ryan had of an escape.  

“Just be honest with her.” Ryan sighed and smirked slightly at the look of surprise on Seth’s face. “She knows you don’t have much experience. Get her to teach you. She’d probably even like it.”

“No way. She’d laugh me right out of the room.” Ryan wanted to argue, as cruel as Summer seemed, he was sure she couldn’t be that harsh, but Seth went on muttering to himself. “I need someone who knows what they’re doing, but wouldn’t judge me for being clueless. Somebody that wouldn’t count as cheating. Someone I can trust.”

Ryan could see where this was going before he finished speaking, his eyes going wide even as Seth’s landed on him and lit up with the spark of what he thought was a brilliant idea. “You.”

“No.”

“You could teach me everything I needed to know-”

“No.”

“-and it wouldn’t count as cheating because you’re a guy and you’re like practically my brother.”

“Eh, Seth.” Ryan grimaced, ignoring the fact that it wasn’t the idea of having sex with Seth that was gross but the reminder that they were practically adoptive brothers who would be having sex. 

“I know. I just heard it.” Seth said, wrinkling his nose with a little shake of his head. “But still it would be perfect. Wam bam thank you _Ryan_ and I’ll have learned everything I need to know in one afternoon. Then I can return to Summer and impress her with my expert moves.”

“I’m not an expert.” Ryan shied away from him, because even thought he wanted nothing more than to escape through that door for several reasons, he couldn’t bring himself to be that close to Seth while they were discussing…this. Like Ryan was going to teach him how to ride a motorcycle, or throw a decent punch, and not…this.

“Well maybe not, but you know way more than I do.” Seth’s tone switched from persuasive to subtler pleading. “Come on, Ry. She’s the girl of my dreams. I can’t go back to her with fish sex.”

“Stop saying fish sex.”

“I’ll stop if you help me.”

“I’m not a girl.” Ryan and tried not to be disconcerted that this was one of the only arguments he had left. Not “You’re insane” or even “I don’t want to have sex with you”.

“We can…you know…” Seth makes a vague hand motion that Ryan doesn’t even want to try to decipher. “Pretend.”

“You might not even get hard.” All this speculation and embarrassment could be for nothing. For all they know, Seth would be completely unresponsive and he wouldn’t be able to learn a thing. And Ryan couldn’t believe he was actually considering this.

“I don’t think that’ll be a problem.” Seth said, corner of his mouth jumping into a smirk, and for a moment Ryan wondered if the water polo playing meatheads hadn’t been onto something when they called him queer for all those years. But then he rambles on, “I mean, because I’ll be thinking of Summer the whole time.

“Right.” The edge of bitterness in his voice surprised them both.

“Should we-?” Seth gestured at the bed, already moving toward it. 

Ryan liked to think that he was a fairly evolved guy. Yes he punched things when he was angry, and he was always better with his actions than his words, but he was openminded. He knew that kissing a male friend to help him in a tough situation shouldn’t make him so uneasy, that it wouldn’t be a blow to his masculinity. Still, it felt wrong. He wouldn’t want to kiss anyone in this situation, let alone Seth. But Ryan shoved away his unease. He could do this. He could help a friend in need and have that be all there was to it. 

He followed reluctantly, taking a seat on the edge beside him. Neither could look at the other for what felt like ages until Seth visibly gathered up his courage and planted a kiss on him.

Ryan jumped but tamped down his shock quickly, forcing himself to relax and brush away the urge to punch him. It wasn’t horrible. It might not even be unpleasant, kissing Seth, in the right circumstances, which this definitely was not. The kiss was soft, softer than he’d expected, and warm, and…wet.

“Are you trying to drown me with your saliva or asphyxiate me with your tongue?” Ryan shoved him away with a hand firmly against his chest, he used the other to wipe at his mouth. 

“Less tongue. Got it.” Seth nodded seriously and leaned in. Right before their lips connected, he pulled back, face splitting in a huge grin. “See! I knew this was a good idea.”

Ryan didn’t argue, barely moved as Seth crashed into the kiss again. There was a feeling, spreading through his chest, something good, something warm. He wasn’t sure if it was because Seth was still smiling or the kiss itself, but Ryan held himself back. He let Seth go on touching him, murmuring a few suggestions when they came to him, but he tried to engage the least amount possible. It was one thing to not be bothered by kissing a guy for completely platonic reasons, but it was another thing entirely to find his body responding. 

Even though Seth’s hands were clumsy, and his eagerness caused their teeth to clash more than once, Ryan pulled him closer. It was just a conditioned reaction, sensitivity caused by raging teenage hormones, he told himself. It wasn’t that he liked the way Seth’s curls wrapped themselves around his fingers, or that the way Seth’s knobby knee kept knocking into his thigh was comforting.

Encouraged by the fact that Seth didn’t say anything, Ryan lay back further up the mattress. Seth settled over him a moment later. He held himself precariously, hands planted on either side of Ryan’s head and one knee settled between his thighs but careful not to touch him. For that, Ryan was grateful. He wasn’t sure how horribly this whole situation would erupt if Seth found out he was already half hard. 

His own thigh rested naturally between Seth’s legs, bumping into his groin with every movement. Ryan had to take a moment to appreciate the way Seth's whole body moved with the kiss. The muscles of his back tensing under Ryan’s tentative hands, whole body sweeping up every time he surged forward to press against Ryan’s lips. He was such a naturally expressive person, every movement revealing how he was feeling or what was on his mind. Ryan wasn’t sure why he was surprised that all of him would get wrapped up in this. 

Ryan’s eyes slid open slowly, still keeping with their rhythm, but he almost choked on Seth’s tongue when he saw the constipated look on his face. “Are you thinking about dead puppies and your grandma’s feet?”

“Well yeah, all the rubbing…” Seth trailed off, lips still frozen mid-kiss, letting the redness flooding his cheeks finish his thought for him. 

“Yeah, I can tell.” Ryan snorted. He kept one hand on his arm, and raised the other to Seth's face, massaging the muscles roughly to get them to release their contorted shape. “Stop thinking about gross stuff like a thirteen year old. Focus on taking deep breaths and take it slow when you need to.”

Seth batted his hand away, but at least he took his advice and let the tension fade from his features. He returned to the kiss with the intensity Ryan had only seen him devote to a new issue of his favorite comics, but per Ryan’s advice, the only evidence of it on his face was the small line of concentration between his brows. Ryan could tell he was focusing on keeping a straight face, maintaining the kiss, and keeping his hands roaming like Ryan had told him. It looked like quite the effort but instead of laughing, like he thought he would after seeing those weird faces Seth complained about earlier, Ryan found it endearing. Behind those eyelids, Seth was picturing a wonderful girl and trying so hard to learn how to please her. So hard.

“I think we can move on.” Ryan’s eyes flew open at the sound of Seth’s voice. He’d let himself get swept away in the touch. He hadn’t realized how long they’d been just kissing. He wondered if Seth could tell that somewhere in the last few minutes Ryan’s mind had been so wrapped up in the feeling of soft lips and soft curls under his hands that it nearly shut off. But Seth was the opposite, wound up and looking ready to shake out of his skin, eager to move on to the next lesson so they could get this over with. 

The jolt of pleasure hit Ryan by surprise, like the tentative hand on the exposed skin of his waist. He made a low sound in the back of his throat and mindlessly tilted his hip to give him better access.  

Seth’s body tensed and he went completely still. For a moment, Ryan was terrified he’d shattered the illusion of a friendly tutoring session and revealed something neither of them had a clue how to deal with, but Seth just furrowed his brows and stared down at him, “You know it’s kind of hard to imagine you’re Summer when you…sound like that.”

“Oh, Cohen.” Ryan whined in a nasally voice, and they both dissolved into laughter. Seth collapsed on him, his thin arms unable to take the strain of his weight as they shook with laughter. Their bodies were touching nearly head to toe, and it was so easy to just lean up and kiss Seth even though that lesson was technically over. 

Seth kissed back, laughter still peaking at the edges of his mouth, but it was quickly chased away by Ryan’s tongue. All the times he’d made out with Marissa, and there’d been plenty because of all the things they lacked between them passion hadn’t been one of them, Ryan doesn’t remember ever laughing with her. Doesn’t remember ever talking with her, because she didn’t want to talk. She’d close her eyes and chase after what she’d seen in dramatic romantic movies. People don’t talk in the love scenes. Music swells, and the only words shared are whispered “I love you”s. They used to say I love you, but those memories were all tainted by Oliver, even the first time they’d said love to each other on new years eve was ruined by him.

Ryan doesn't think he’d ever laughed with anyone like he laughed with Seth. He’d had friends back in Chino, but they’d only ever laughed when they were drunk or breaking things. There had never been anyone who liked to sit around for hours just because they liked talking with him, being in his presence.  Not until Seth. 

And that’s part of what’d gotten him into this mess. Seth had given him so much seemingly without even realizing it, that Ryan knew he couldn’t leave until he’d done everything he could to help. He never thought making out would be one of those things, but he was finding that it wasn’t so bad. He kind of liked the way their hips slotted together, perfectly aligned. Liked the way the smell of salt and soap clogged up his brain. 

“So what’s next?” Seth said against his lips, dragging Ryan back to the task at hand.

“You tell me.”

Seth chewed at his bottom lip already swollen and slick from the kiss. It took all of his will to pull his eyes away when he started to talk again. “I tried to talk to my dad this morning. I know, man, I wouldn’t bring him up if I didn’t have to. He mentioned…foreplay.”

“Foreplay.” Ryan repeated, not sure what the question in Seth’s words really was.

“Yeah, he made some metaphor about engines even though he knows I don’t know cars. Then he started getting vague, a little concerning. He mentioned neck biting, and ear blowing and it all just sounded like two dogs wrestling to me.”

“You don’t know about foreplay?” He asked and his voice was a little more disbelieving than he’d intended.

“Come on, dude. You promised you wouldn’t judge me.”

“I’m not judging,” Ryan insisted over a smile. He tried to coax Seth up from where he’d buried his face in Ryan’s chest. “I’m just surprised. After all that making out with Summer and Anna. I just thought it would’ve come up.”

“Oh, something came up alright.” Seth’s voice was muffled against his chest, but Ryan still heard and shook with laughter at the innuendo. 

“It’s like…second base and…more that I’m not anatomically equipped to help you with. To make sure she’s ready for the home run.”

Seth lifted his head to glare at him, the stare much more intense than usual with only a few inches between them. “What is with you two? What makes you think I know know more about sports than I do about cars? Have I somehow given the impression that-”

“Boobs, Seth.” 

“Oh.” He drew out the word as understanding came to him. His eyes dropped to Ryan’s flat chest. “You don’t have boobs.”

“No. I don’t.” Ryan stated the obvious.

“But you have nipples.” Seth's hand grasped the hem of his shirt, dragging it up before he could stop him. He tried to push his shirt back down, trying to hide the way his body jolted every time Seth brushed against his bare stomach, but Seth fought back.

“It’s not the same.”

“No but you can tell me if I’m applying too much pressure or biting too hard.”

“You shouldn’t-” Ryan’s protest ended in a garbled shout at the touch of a hot mouth closing around the tender skin of his nipple. No girl had ever done this for him before. He never would’ve imagined the straight line between his nipples and his cock, straining fruitlessly in his pants, and every lick, every caress was shooting right to his groin.

A minute ago, he would’ve insisted on keeping his shirt on but under that mouth and those hands he couldn’t think of any reason not to let Seth slide it over his head. He couldn’t see where it landed when it was tossed aside. He didn’t even care because Seth’s mouth was on him and he was kissing and licking, and Ryan could barely breath let alone keep his eyes open. At the first brush of teeth against sensitive skin, Ryan gasped and his hips jolted, grinding hard into Seth’s hip. 

The touch faded away and when Ryan opened his eyes, he could see Seth was staring down between them. He must’ve just realized how into this Ryan was, and for a tense second he was sure this would be what made Seth realize how strange this whole situation was and drive him right out of his arms, out of his life. 

Seth just smiled, and wiggled his hips a little smugly, “And when she’s ready for me?”

“When she’s ready there’s only one thing left to do.”

The smugness fell away and Seth was left furrowing his brows. “There’s just so much involved…logistically. Things I never even thought about before until I was _there_. Like angle, and depth, and velocity, and what do I do with my hands? Porn makes it look so easy. And if there was a scoring system, I know presentation would be worth a few points. Right? I can’t just whip it out, can I?”

In the first bold move he’d made since deciding stay, Ryan reached for the button of his jeans. “Let her take care of that.”

Ryan had to focus on keeping his breathing steady and he eased Seth’s zip down and pushed his jeans and boxers down his hips. It was just the contact. The touch of someone he cared about for the first time in a long time. He and Marissa had been fighting for weeks, and she hadn’t thought of touching him. He told himself it was just the friction of another body against his that was making him tremble. He couldn't tell himself anything when Seth’s breath hitched and his hips stuttered against Ryan’s own. 

When Seth thrust into his hand again, Ryan tightened his grip. It was only an approximation of how Summer would feel, but it was the best he could do without…

Ryan threw his head back and moaned. He couldn’t even care that he was probably ruining Seth’s mental picture of his girlfriend under him. With every surge forward, Seth dug his hip against Ryan’s cock. Trapped in his jeans, it throbbed for attention. Seth’s breath dusted against his bared throat, deep like he’d said, and all Ryan could think of was Seth thrusting into his body like he was pushing into his hand. 

“I’m gonna come.” Seth keened against his throat. It was only after the small burst of pleasure receded slightly to the steady heat building in his gut that Ryan realized it was _his_ name Seth had panted. 

“It’s okay.” He would’ve been embarrassed at the quiver in his voice but Seth sounded just as wrecked. He went on, struggling to keep up the facade because as long as they kept Summer between them, it didn’t have to mean anything. “As long as she comes too.”

Seth nodded hurriedly, his lips dragging against the skin of Ryan’s throat before he lowered them more purposefully to his nipples.

Breath hissed through his teeth, coils of pleasure twisting around almost painfully in his stomach at Seth’s attentions. For a startling moment, Ryan thought he might come from just this, secondhand friction on his cock and Seth’s lips and tongue on his sensitive skin. But he took a few deep breaths, clear his mind of what were not so much thoughts, just a rapid pounding that felt like _yes, yes, yes_. He had a job to do. It wouldn’t be fair to Seth if he’d put him through this, took his own pleasure, and didn’t teach him the most important part of how to have sex with his girlfriend. 

The reminder of Summer cooled some of his urgency, allowing him to regain control of the situation. Seth was completely gone, face screwed up and the sounds leaking from his throat were high and tight with tension. Ryan grabbed Seth’s face with his free hand, sprawling wide to cover as much as he could. He would’ve laughed at how ridiculous they looked if it hadn’t been so hard to draw breath. The frantic pace Seth set for himself stuttered as he focused on loosening his features. 

Ryan placed his fingertips against his neck lightly. As he trailed his touch down his throat to his chest, the stream of sounds lowered,understanding without words, and he could feel the vibration of Seth’s moaning growls up his arm. 

It was almost enough to set him over the edge. With every upward thrust, Seth ground his hips a little harder against him. The relentless pressure, the sound of him, the hesitant almost questioning kiss on his jaw that was so painfully Seth. Ryan came with groan, clenching his teeth hard to keep from shouting the name on the tip of his tongue.

“Thank-fuck-” Seth came with a strangled shout and collapsed onto of Ryan, who was too drained to move him.

After several long seconds, the only sound between them their panting breaths, Ryan said, “That was…” He struggled with all the adjectives flying through his head. Potentially embarrassing and far too serious.

“Informative.” Seth said. All at once he was on his feet, a rush of cold air filling the space where he’d just been. Ryan averted his eyes as Seth refastened his jeans, searching for something to wipe his hands on. His eyes landed on his shirt, on the floor beside the bed, but the thought of wiping another guy’s come on his discarded shirt was just too obscene. He clambered off the bed and into the bathroom, ignoring the discomfort in his own soiled boxers. 

He hadn’t gotten off in his pants since he was thirteen. After his first time, he’d never had too much difficulty finding girls who didn’t mind removing clothes. It was a strange feeling to go back to, satisfaction that just wasn’t quite enough. 

He could hear Seth talking over the sound of the faucet as he washed his hands, babbling about girls, and technique, and real sex ed classes. Ryan hesitated before leaving the bathroom, unsure if he’d be able to face Seth like this. After a moment’s thought, he slipped off his pants and tossed the boxer aside before pulling his jeans back on. Uncomfortable in an entirely different way against his sensitive skin, he decided it was better than the alternative. 

When he opened the bathroom door, Seth was still talking, “I think Summer will really appreciate my new moves. I might go see her tonight. It couldn’t hurt right? If everything goes well, I’ll have a date to the Valentine’s thing tonight.”

“Right, yeah.” Ryan said. He was trying to look anywhere else but his eyes kept catching on the stains on the front of Seth’s jeans. 

Seth stared at him for a long time, face unreadable. Even though Ryan was trying to avoid his eyes, he still noticed the way Seth was trying to tell him something. There was something Ryan needed to say, something that was so important in this moment, Ryan could feel it, but he had no idea what it was. 

“Awesome. So, I’m gonna go get cleaned up and hopefully score a girlfriend.” Seth turned to leave but paused in the open door. “Thanks man, for everything. Above and beyond. Really.”

“That’s what friends are for.” Ryan almost choked on the words. 

 

—

 

Honestly, Seth was a little surprised when Summer kissed him back. With the traumatizing memory of their last time together still hanging over them, he had been preparing himself to be thrown out the door the minute she saw him, but she let him in. He came charging into her bedroom and managed not to put his foot in his mouth long enough for her to hear him out about how they both deserved better than what happened between them last time. Then he’d kissed her, just to prove that he could do better, and miracle of all miracles, she kissed back.

He wasn’t sure if he should be proud or disgruntled when she pulled back and murmured, “Not as slobbery as yesterday” because it was his kiss that she was impressed by but he’d only gotten it right because Ryan showed him how. 

That feeling didn’t go away, that mix of triumph and discomfort, even as she made little murmuring noises into his mouth at the way he touched her. It was Ryan’s voice in his head telling him where to put his hands, the ghost of Ryan’s hands on his face to remind him to keep his expression in check. He was here, making out with the most beautiful girl he’d ever seen and Ryan was lodged so tightly into his brain that he was practically laying between them. 

Summer pulled her shirt over her head, revealing a pale blue lacy bra. Seth stared at it, captivated because, yes. This was it. This is what he’d been fantasizing about since before he could get into PG-13 movies. Lacy bras on creamy breasts and long brown hair, not blunt lips and calloused fingers. 

He kissed and nipped every inch of flesh he could reach because it was something different, something that didn’t have the memory of Ryan playing underneath it. She squirmed and panted under his touch. He trailed down her stomach, hooking his finger into the waist of her pajama shorts. Long nails scraped against his scalp as she ran her fingers through his hair, pushing gently, encouraging. Easing the shorts down slightly, he ran his tongue over her hip, tracing the line of her lacy underwear. 

“Oh, Cohen.” Summer tossed her head back and moaned. 

Seth froze, then jolted back like he’d been burned. Summer startled at the sudden movement and they both stared at each other, wide eyed from opposite ends of the bed. 

“What’s the matter?”

“I…I don’t-” Seth sputtered, struggling to find words as his traitorous brain forced him to relive every second of that one minute from this afternoon, when he and Ryan had laughed together and for the first time since Seth started kissing him they were themselves again. It was the only kiss Ryan had initiated, eyes shining with fondness and something else Seth had never seen from him before. 

This wasn’t right. Seth was in love with Summer Roberts. He’d been in love with Summer Roberts since grade school. He should be able to kiss Summer Roberts without thinking about someone else. She was witty, caring in her own way, unbelievably sexy. She was everything he was supposed to want in a girl. But maybe it wasn’t a girl he wanted. 

Seth was on his feet in a second, panic sweeping through every inch of him. He scrambled around searching for his shoes, and when he found them, he fought to tug them on without falling over. 

“What is the matter with you?” Summer asked, and he heard the thin note of insecurity laced in her anger. “Did I do something?”

“No!” He realized he’d shouted a moment too late. Stooping low, he pressed a hard kiss against her forehead, trying to push the truth into her head with just the force of his lips. “You’re perfect.”

“Then why are you freaking out?”

“Freaking out?” He scoffed unconvincingly, shoving his arms into the sleeves of his jacket. “This isn’t freaking out. If I was freaking out, you’d know it. There are just some things I need to figure out. You know, thoughts and things. Thoughts I need to think about.”

 _Like the fact that he was apparently now a raging homosexual._ Seth cringed and ducked toward the door. “We’ll talk later.”

“Once you think about your thoughts?” Summer asked, skepticism written in the curve of her sneer. 

“Exactly!” He smiled, and he knew it was a little too manic so he flew through the door and tried not to slam it on the other side. 

He tried to keep his mind quiet until he’d shut himself up safely in his room, but Seth Cohen was anything but quiet. By the time he’d collapsed onto his bed and pulled Captain Oats to his chest, he was in the midst of a full scale meltdown.

“This is ridiculous.” He murmured as he stared at the ceiling. Pulling the horse closer, he sighed. “Despite what everyone on the water polo team think, I’m not gay.” 

“I’m not!” He insisted at Captain Oats’s dead-eyed skepticism. “Just because I had sex with a guy doesn’t mean I’m gay.”

Does the fact that he enjoyed it? Or that he can’t stop thinking about it? What about the way his stomach twisted up and his skin got all shivery when he remembered Ryan laying beneath him? His skin sung where he’d touched him, his heartbeat picked up at the memory of Ryan’s face as he came undone. And Ryan had come, much to Seth’s surprise. When he’d asked that colossal favor of his closest friend, he never would’ve expected that he’d be turned on by some gangly guy wiggling on top of him. 

It was a small comfort to imagine Ryan was off somewhere, panicking just as much as Seth was right now. That maybe he wasn’t alone in his strange doubts that were threatening to turn his whole world upside down. What would that mean for them, though, if Ryan had enjoyed it as much as Seth had and couldn’t help the traitorous bit of hope in the back of his mind that maybe they could do it again? 

Seth groaned his frustration and dragged his cell phone from his pocket. He needed to talk to someone about this. If he was left alone with his thoughts any longer, he’d go insane. He flipped through his contacts futilely. Anna still hated him for dumping her. They’d started to talk on friendly terms but they were far from ready to talk about something like this. The idea of talking to Marissa about her best friend and her ex boyfriend was laughable. Luke wouldn’t be able to get over the fact that he’d been right all these years by calling him queer. He couldn’t talk to Summer about it without making her angry or hurting her feelings. He was left staring at Ryan’s name.

How was it possible that he had so few options? Seth scoffed at himself and tossed the phone aside. That was obvious, wasn’t it? He hadn’t had any semblance of a social life before Ryan showed up. He hadn’t had anything but his comic books and his boat until Ryan had appear in the doorway, silent and standoffish, and agreed to be his player two. They’d become friends almost instantly and Seth would do anything to hold onto that. 

He’d never thought he would have a best friend, had even started to accept that he might never have someone to share everything with. For the first time in as long as he could remember, he wasn’t lonely. There was someone he could trust with everything and knew would always be there for him. But it wasn’t just anyone. It was patient, serious, thoughtful, surprisingly funny Ryan who made the best friend Seth could’ve ever imagined for himself. They fit together so effortless. Now that he had Ryan in his life, he couldn’t do anything to screw it up. That included some kind of insane sexuality crisis. 

He’d just resolved himself to forgetting the whole thing, banishing all thoughts of Ryan that weren’t strictly platonic and moving on with his life when his stupid brain set his plan on fire and spiraled into an even deeper panic. 

The sound of the door opening was quiet but distinct, and he kept his face buried in his hands. “Seth, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing.” He rolled off his bed and onto his feet in one smooth motion, not willing to reveal any more of what was on his mind than he already had. Facing his mom with her hands on her hips in the doorway, he scrunch up his face at her gown and impeccably styled hair. 

“Why aren’t you dressed? We’re leaving in five minutes.” Kirsten said, affecting her best exasperated-mom voice. 

“I don’t think I’m gonna go.” Seth shifted his weight from one foot to another, shoving his hands deep into his pockets. 

“Don’t even start with me.” She said, voice heavy with tension and a subtle threat. She left him standing alone in his room. From down the hall he heard her call, “Get dressed or your grounded.”

He collapsed onto the mattress, falling back hard enough to bounce a few times before settling. Through his own disappointment, he could muster some sympathy for her. She’d been stressed out and stuck planning this party while her own husband was obstinate in his anti-valentine’s rampage. He could understand more than he cared to admit the desire for easy uncomplicated affection. It was almost funny that it was on today of all days that he’d found himself with more romantic problems than he’d had in the span of his whole life. 

~~

The party was great. Well decorated with actually decent music and populated by smiling guests. Seth was miserable. 

He couldn’t stop himself from watching Summer across the room from where he was tucked away against the wall. She seemed to be having just as much fun as he was, scowl plastered on her face as she trailed along beside Marissa. He wanted to talk to her, to walk over there and give her the best kiss of her life and apologize for being such a gigantic moron earlier, but something held him there, brooding on the edge of the celebration. 

She would probably hit him, with more strength than he imagined her small frame could possess. After he apologized until he was blue in the face, she’d become aloof insisting in her own way that he make it up to her. Then he’d spend days, possibly weeks depending on her whims, trying to win her back as he endured her icy mood. He was exhausted just thinking about it.  

He’d instinctively tried looking for Ryan at the beginning of the party before he remembered why that was a horrible idea. With as twisted around as his brain was he should’ve been avoiding Ryan to keep from doing something monumentally stupid. But it seemed Ryan was being evasive enough for the both of them. He was no where to be found. Seth was so messed up he didn’t even know if he was happy about that or not because while the domineering neurotic voice in his head was telling him to change his name and flee the state so he didn’t have to deal with this problem, the rest of him was lonely without Ryan at his side. Lonelier than he’d ever been since his friend came to Newport all those months ago. 

“You should ask her to dance, son. That’s another great example of foreplay.”

Seth was jolted back to reality with a cringe at Sandy’s words. He glanced over at his dad to see him looking at Summer across the room, who Seth realized had been staring at while his mind wandered. “Ugh, dad. So not the time.”

“What?” Sandy asked innocently. “I’m just trying to help. You’re standing over here like a lost puppy meanwhile she’s all alone.”

“Yeah, well, we’re not really in a dancing place right now.” Seth grumbled.

“What’d you do?”

Seth sputtered indignantly, “What makes you think I did something?”

Sandy just gave him a look and Seth conceded the point with a sigh. “It’s complicated.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” With one last look at Summer, Sandy turned his full attention to his son. 

Seth kept facing forward, unable to face his dad as all the thoughts that had been plaguing him all evening came rushing back to the forefront of his mind. “With you?”

“I’m surprisingly wise for someone with about thirty more years of life experience then you.” Sandy teased, and Seth felt bad that he’d wanted him to get offended and walk away.

“It’s just…” His words trailed off with a sigh. 

“Complicated?”

He looked up at his dad for the first time and the wry smile he saw there loosened some of the tension in his chest. If there was anyone he could trust to listen to him without judgement, it’s his dad. And it’s not like he had any other options at the moment. “Come on, let’s talk in private.” 

They found the french doors that led to the terrace easily enough. There was still a biting chill in the February air so they had the place to themselves. Seth could still see the party and hear the music muffled through the glass, it was like a separate world. It was like he stepped out of reality into a peaceful dream. This was exactly where he needed to be to unburden his soul.

His father sat beside him on a bench and listened in careful silence as Seth explained the events of the morning, making a point to exclude the more graphic details. By the end of the story, Sandy was laughing of all things. It was not the reaction he was expecting when he confessed that he might be kind of gay for the guy his father sort of adopted. 

“…I just don’t know what to do now. He’s the coolest person I’ve ever met and I would never forgive myself if I screwed this up…” When it started as just the quiet shaking of shoulders, Seth could overlook it, but when Sandy actually had to wipe away the tears from his bursts of laughter, he just got irritated. “You’re not supposed to laugh at me. When you ask if I want to talk about a serious issue, you can’t laugh! It’s like against the rules. You are contractually obligated by the father-son code to take me seriously…What is so funny?”

That managed to settle him from outright laughter to just a grin. “Nothing. Nothing. I swear, I’m taking you seriously.”

“Then why did you laugh?”

“You forget sometimes, when you get older, what it’s like to be a teenager. How every problem feels like the end of the world and every new piece of information shakes your entire world view.” 

“But this is the end of the world! I can’t like Ryan! He’s my friend. He’s a _guy_. As if that wasn’t enough, a guy like Ryan would never…” Seth flailed around for the right word. Coming up empty, he just went on, “With someone like me. He’s way out of my league. And oh my god I can’t believe I just said that.” 

Sandy was calm, his presence like a balm of Seth’s frayed nerves as he spoke, “He is not out of your league but let’s just put that aside for now. If, just pretend here, if he shared your feelings, would you want to be in a relationship with him?”

Seth tried to get past how weird it was and seriously consider his dad’s question. It was more direction than his own frantic mind had given him in the last few hours. What would it be like to date Ryan Atwood? Seth knew from watching his relationship with Marissa that Ryan was protective. But Ryan had already taken on half the water polo team for Seth. He knew Ryan was slow to trust because his past had taught him that trust was made to be broken. But he’d already opened up to Seth, told him about what his life used to be like in harsh and stilted words, whispered his greatest fear in the middle of the night that Kirsten and Sandy would change their minds and toss him back out on the street again if he did anything wrong. 

What would it really be like to be with Ryan? They would go out to eat, spend the weekends together skating around the pier, or stay up way too late playing video games. Not much would really change, Seth realized. Except maybe when Seth was gloating after kicking Ryan’s ass on the playstation, Ryan would lean over and kiss him just to get him to shut up. And maybe as Seth skateboarded beside Ryan on his bike, he would hold his hand instead of his bike or the back of his jacket. Maybe as they sat across a table from each other, he could watch Ryan’s tongue sneak across the corner of his mouth instead of watching his own hands. 

The answer was starting to come together in Seth’s mind even as he could feel warmth pooling under his cheeks. 

He imagined his boat, slicing through pristine ocean on its way to Tahiti. Instead of the gorgeous smiling brunette in a bombshell bikini—who had at some point in the last few months been replaced by a gorgeous brunette snarking at him in a bombshell bikini—he imagined blond hair golden in the sun, a tan sculpted chest, and eyes bluer than the ocean shining at him over that small smile. It was perfect.

With a groan, Seth buried his head in his hands and felt his dad pat his back a few times in what was probably supposed to be a reassuring way.

“I don’t think you’re giving Ryan enough credit.”

“So, what? He won’t beat me to a pulp if he ever finds out, he’ll just never speak to me again?”

“Don’t be dramatic, Seth. I meant that maybe Ryan’s having the same kind of doubts you are.”

Seth snorted and rolled his eyes, but something in his dad’s eye made him pause his display of sarcastic disbelief. “You know something.”

“No, I just think you should talk to him before you decide that it’s doomed.” Sandy said, affecting aloofness and fighting down the smirk on the edge of his mouth. He stood and strode to the door. 

“Wait! What aren’t you telling me?” Seth stood to follow his dad but he’d already slipped through the door, a vague “Talk to him” thrown over his shoulder before fading back into the party and that party was the last place Seth wanted to be right now. He had somewhere much better in mind, he just had to find the courage to go there. 

 

—

 

Ryan tugged at his bowtie a little too roughly and had to spend a few minutes untangling the knot he’d made worse. When he finally freed himself from it, he placed it neatly back in it’s drawer and slumped onto the edge of his bed with a sigh. He felt a little guilty for leaving the party early, especially after Kirsten had put so much work in it. He’d apologized when he found her to tell her he was leaving, and there must’ve been something in his face that made her bite back her questions and just nod goodbye. 

The party itself hadn’t even been that bad. He knew if he’d been dragged around by Marissa all night like he used to be, he might’ve enjoyed it. But she sent him pained looks from a distance and he was reminded why he didn’t want to follow after her anymore. He was left standing in a corner alone because Seth was being cagey and wouldn’t even look him in the eye, let alone hang out with him for a few hours. 

It was his own fault. He was the one that felt strange, and sick, and angry afterwards. He was the one that made it weird. It was just supposed to be a friend helping another friend with a crisis. But somehow, Ryan had lost himself in it, let his own mind drift and believe for just a second that it was real. That Seth wanted him. So when it was over he couldn’t stop that wave of bitterness that made him snap at Seth and imagine hitting a girl for the first time in his life. 

Seth had to have figured it out. That’s why he’d been avoiding him all night. Why when they accidentally bumped into each other near the bar Seth just stammered something unintelligible and actually _ran_ away. He’d figured out that Ryan liked it, that Ryan still felt Seth’s lips blazing across the skin of his chest, that no matter how hard he tried he couldn’t stop himself from wanting to do it again. And it was painfully obvious that Seth _didn’t_.

Maybe if he laid low for a few days they could forget the whole thing ever happened. Once the rush of possessiveness and longing wore off Ryan could joke with Seth about how impressed Summer had to have been with his new skills. They could go back to the way they were when it didn’t bother him when Seth kept his eyes locked on Summer across the room no matter where they were. 

But it had always bothered him, hadn’t it? There had always been that niggling annoyance in the back of his mind whenever Seth looked at anyone with those big dewy brown eyes. 

Ryan dug his fingers into his knees with a groan so deep in his chest it was nearly a growl. He couldn’t believe he was screwing up the best thing that ever happened to him over some guy. For the first time in his life he had hope that maybe he could make something out of himself, become an architect or something, and prove to everyone that it hadn’t been a mistake plucking him out of the slums. He couldn’t stay here if he and Seth couldn’t find a way to get along. Sandy and Kirsten would always choose their real son first no matter how much they promised him he was really part of the family. And he couldn’t blame them for it. But he couldn’t believe that he was jeopardizing his future, a future that he was actually excited about for the first time in his life, because he had feelings for Seth. 

The thought nearly made him sick. He didn’t know how long it took being here for the dream of that bright future to start to form but once it had, he couldn’t deny that Seth had a place there. It had always been as the best man at his wedding, or for reunions at the Cohen household for Christmakkuh, but Seth was undeniably there. His best friend. 

What now? What did that picture look like now that Ryan knew what it felt like to be in his arms? Now that he couldn’t seem to let that feeling go even though Seth looked like he would give anything to just make the whole thing not happen? Ryan didn’t have a clue. 

But there would always be a place for Seth in his life. He’d carved it in the stone of Ryan’s defenses that first day they spent together, and it would remain hollow if he ever left it.

A light knock drew his attention to the door behind him. At the sight of Seth closing the door behind him delicately, Ryan bolted to his feet and turned to face him, trying to mask any evidence that he’d just been pining. Actually pining like some lovestruck girl.

Seth tried to smile but it came out more like a grimace. It did nothing to ease any of the tension that held Ryan frozen there. “Hey, man.”

“Hey.” Ryan said flatly. It hung between them as the silence stretched on, so painfully awkward.

“You left early.”

“Wasn’t really in the party mood.” Ryan admitted. He dared to look up and was so startled to find Seth staring right at him that his gaze didn’t return to the wall. The stare was almost worse than the avoidance, he quickly realized. Seth was looking at him like he was trying to pick him apart and study every piece. Which was not good for Ryan because at the moment every piece of him was focused on the bed between them, the bed that they had sex in only a few hours ago.

“So how’d it go with Summer?” Ryan asked, plastering on a smile. It was the only diversion he could think of at the moment to get Seth to stop staring at him like that, but he regretted it instantly. The last thing he wanted was to hear about the two of them.

Seth’s gaze didn’t falter. If anything it got worse as his eyes narrowed and he took a few steps away from the door. Years of masking his emotions and honing his tough guy scowl made it pretty easy for Ryan to give him a questioning look, like he had no idea what Seth was looking for or what hung between them. 

“Not great.” Seth snapped out of it suddenly, looking just as troubled as he had this morning when he barged into the pool house to declare himself a man. 

Ryan couldn’t help the lance of bitter satisfaction that shot through him to hear that. He did his best to ignore it because Seth was his friend and he was supposed to want good things for him. 

“I think I need more practice.” 

Ryan cleared his throat a few times, a pitiful attempt to crush down the smile that cropped up and refused to go away. It was unfair, and probably unhealthy, but it made him perversely happy to have Seth here propositioning him. When he managed to get a handle on his expression, he looked up at Seth who was watching him closely. “Really?”

“Yeah.” Seth nodded and took a few steps closer. Ryan mirrored him, without really noticing until they came face to face at the end of the bed.

“What was it this time? The faces or more weird noises.” 

Seth accepted the teasing lightly, the edge of his mouth curling into a self deprecating smile. “Neither. Or both, probably if we would’ve gotten into it. But we didn’t make it that far.”

“So what was the problem?”

Seth’s gaze dropped, embarrassment breaking through his features for the first time. He almost looked like he was going to back out for a moment, until Ryan caught his arm, cursing himself the whole time for it. Seth stared at his hand and seemed to make up his mind because when he met Ryan’s eyes again, there wasn’t a trace of hesitation. “I couldn’t focus on her. The whole time we were making out I was thinking about someone else.”

Ryan hummed a vague response. He was afraid to speak, afraid that his words or his tone would betray him and he’d scare Seth off. That was the last thing he wanted to do. Ryan had decided somewhere in the last few seconds, trapped in Seth’s blue eyes, that he didn’t care if it wasn’t a good idea. He wanted to be with Seth again, and he would take whatever pretext he could to make it happen. 

There was hope rising in him, hope that it was Ryan who was on his mind. He could feel it spreading warmth through him but he pushed it aside. He’d learned enough times in the past that all hope did was break your heart. So he didn’t allow that small spot of hope bubbling up in his chest to bloom into anything more. He would take what he could get and wouldn’t try for anything more. Wouldn’t hope. So he grasped at the next most logical explanation and asked, “Anna?”

He watched the way Seth’s throat bobbed as he swallowed back his nerves before shaking his head. Seth didn’t say anything else. Even though Ryan was ready to grab him by the shoulders and demand elaboration and he was pretty sure that was showing on his face as much as he tried to hide it.

“Me?” The word was so quiet Ryan could almost pretend he hadn’t said it at all. But a moment later he didn’t want to.

A beaming grin split across Seth’s face, and in his relief that he hadn’t had to be the one to say it first, Seth pulled him into a kiss.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading. Hope you liked it!  
> Questions, Comments, Concerns? Let me know.  
> Con-crit welcome.


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